Today's World Cup predictions

Uruguay vs. Netherlands
At Cape Town, 2:30 p.m.
TV: CBC, TLN
Weather: 9C, partly cloudy
The Game: The outlook in Cape Town is a slight chance of rain and a 100 per cent chance of heavy, heavy tactics. Between them, these two teams have allowed only five goals in 10 games. With Luis Suarez on the bench serving a one-match ban, Uruguay is expected to pack the midfield and trust to its potent counter-attack. That midfield battleground will be the game’s key. If Holland can unleash Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder, it will win. If those two men are negated by Uruguay, expect Diego Forlan to pop up at some point with a winner.
Predictions: Cathal Kelly: Uruguay 0, Netherlands 2
Chris Young: Uruguay 1, Netherlands 2

Ranking the celebrities

That is, the ones not playing.

1. BILL CLINTON - USA's rooter-in-chief. Always keen to take on another charitable endeavour, Clinton came here to watch the American team jobbed again and again by referees. And, apparently, to drink beer. Didn't make any ridiculous pronouncements, or get scooped up on drug charges. Nor did he aim personal attacks at any of the nations playing the U.S. 

On the other hand, he couldn't get the rest of the American pop entourage banned from the thing.

2. SHAKIRA - That song has grown on us like some sort of exotic fungus. The FIFA-branded video nearly brings us to tears every time we see it. We know it's wrong. But we can't stop.

3. KIMORA LEE SIMMONS - "I am very sad 2 b leaving the gorgeous S.Africa! Thank u 2 all 4 ur luv and kindness! We'll b back very, very soon! Team Fabulosity SA rocks," she Tweeted. 

No, we don't know who she is either. But apparently she says things like 'Team Fabulosity'. Whatever. Good enough for third spot. It's been a thin tournament.

4. MICK JAGGER - From now on, when they talk about players "swinging handbags," they will instead talk about players "swinging Mick Jagger." Also of note, the Jagger Jinx. 

Since he doesn't have to bother playing in the semi, Uruguay's Luis Suarez is now tasked with diverting Mick Jagger at the gates to the Green Point Stadium, and asking him, "Tell me more about what's wrong with Keith?" 

That should occupy him for several days.

5. PARIS HILTON - Where's the Netherlands? What's the Netherlands? What's the problem with the pot? They didn't hassle us at airport security. Where am I? A court? Finally. Something familiar.

Dead Last - LISA-MARIE KOHRS - According to her profile, America's Miss World contestant is majoring in journalism. Um, you probably shouldn't use the F-word when broadcasting. And it's a bad idea to be drunk. And it's a worse idea to run down Slovenia, first, because it's not true, and second, because they are people with loooooong memories.

c.k.

Predictions: Quarterfinals, day 2

Argentina vs Germany, 10 a.m. ET

Both sides have played some of the most flowing football here, although each side's backline has looked shaky (Manuel Neuer, in goal for Germany, has been outstanding). They can score, each with nine goals in four matches, a tournament best (one of Argentina's 10 on the board was an own goal, by South Korea). Four years ago, Germany dumped a similarly attractive-looking Argentina out at this same stage, on penalties. Revenge time for the Albicelestes against a counter-attacking Mannschaft who with their youthful quality look well-set for the next two World Cups.

Chris's prediction: Argentina 3, Germany 2
Cathal's prediction: Argentina 3, Germany 3 aet (Argentina wins on penalties)

Paraguay vs Spain, 2:30 p.m. ET

Spain has arrived right on schedule. Fernando Torres, we're not so sure. Torres has been the one question mark this tournament, but it likely won't matter here against a Paraguay team into the quarterfinals for the first time. But they have scored just three goals in four games, lowest of any quarterfinalist, and that lack of production will hurt against a classy side that will play keep-away. Andres Iniesta is having an MVP-candidate tournament, and David Villa has been lethal. Advantage Spain.

Chris's prediction: Spain 2, Paraguay 0
Cathal's prediction: Spain 3, Paraguay 0

Predictions: First round of quarter-finals

Here's a look at the matchups for the first round of World Cup quarter-finals, which get underway Friday July 2.

Brazil vs. Netherlands, 10 a.m. ET, Port Elizabeth

Thus far, the most anticipated games here – Germany/England; Spain/Portugal – haven’t provided much pop. Two cagey and deeply accomplished world sides meet in what could easily be a final. Both sides have looked purposeful, rather than free-flowing, and they’ve reaped the benefits of that. Let’s hope that result-oriented football hits a wall today. What this one needs is a goal in the first 15 minutes to open things up. If that happens, we’re looking at a classic.

C.K.: Netherlands 3, Brazil 2 (after extra time)
C.Y.: Brazil 1, Netherlands 0

Ghana vs. Uruguay, 2:30 p.m. ET, Johannesburg – Ellis Park

Africa’s team vs. South America’s new outsider crush. While many big names came here to stand around and not be counted, these two relative minnows arrived bursting with energy. Uruguay feature the tournament’s best strike pairing – Diego Forland and Luis Suarez. Ghana count on an all-action midfield to control the attack. Provided neither side seizes up under the pressure, there’s little to separate them. But Ghana now have a whole continent – and Nelson Mandela – willing them forward. That’s a formidable obstacle.

C.K.: Ghana 2, Uruguay 0
C.Y.: Ghana 1, Uruguay 1 (Ghana win on penalties)

Is Nike's 'Write The Future' cursed?

Well, yes. Obviously.

No one who's come near the 3-minute ad (which, it still has to be said, looks awesome) has emerged unscathed.

As Chris Young pointed out in his column today, all five 'featured' athletes are now dodging tomatoes in various parts of the world. But it's worse than that. Everyone loses (except the guys in the ads - they get paid a gajillion dollars).

Let's go through the victims, by order of appearance.

DIDIER DROGBA (Ivory Coast) - Japan's Tulio broke his arm in the lead-up (but not a very effective break, since Drogba played); Team was disappointingly average; At 32, the King of African football has almost assuredly played in his last World Cup.

FABIO CANNAVARO (Italy) - The best player at Germany 2006 looked himself, if himself was carrying around a 75-lb sack of grain on his back. Cannavaro was far too slow, just like the rest of his team. The team was jeered at the airport on the way home. No word on any 'Che Capitano' nightclub act, but Fabio probably won't be smiling if there is.

WAYNE ROONEY (England) - First he doesn't score a goal. Second, his team is humiliated by arch-rivals, Germany. Then the whole thing is blamed on his womanish grooming habits. Not a great three weeks. Maybe they kept that prop camper from the ad?

FRANCK RIBERY (France) - One of the ringleaders of the France team's work-to-rule day that Florent Malouda has now admitted was a "disaster." Reportedly said he cried when teammate Nicolas Anelka was sent home. Wait'll he hears about how much his value on the transfer market has dropped.

LANDON DONOVAN and TIM HOWARD (USA) - Shouldn't call it a disaster. Howard was exceptional at times and Donovan will always have that last-gasp spear against Algeria to cherish. But they still should have taken Ghana out. Next time, think Reebok.

THE QUEEN (U.K.) - For her summer holiday, she gets to ... tour Canada's top sites. God, it sounds like every nightmarish family vacation, to the power of 4.

GERARD PIQUE, CESC FABREGAS and ANDRES INIESTA (Spain) - The last men standing as far as playing in this thing goes. But Pique had his forehead cut open on that ridiculous tumbling play that gifted Switzerland a winning goal in the opener. Fabregas is nearly nailed to the bench (Have fun doing the same thing at Barcelona) and Iniesta is so pale, you could pick him out from space. Yeah, that's weak. But we have a theme.

BABIES NAMED WAYNE - Cursed, with or without Nike's help.

ROGER FEDERER - Bombed out of the French. Has to go through Rafael Nadal (whom everybody - but everybody - likes better) to claim his 7th Wimbledon. Would've called this one even odds, but then there's this ad, so .... (Update: Curse in full effect. Federer just got taken out in the quarters by Tomas Berdych)

RONALDINHO (Brazil) - Curious fact. Talking to a Brazilian fan a while back, and he told me that given Brazilian accenting, the proper way to say this name is "HO-nal-JIN-yo." Cool. How do you say, "Humiliated since he didn't even make the team"? In the mini-capsules they play now, the former world player of the year has been spiked. Robinho - who hasn't exactly lit this thing up either - takes his spot.

KOBE BRYANT (USA) - Already in league with the Devil, so no need to fear any sort of curse.

CRISTIANO RONALDO (Portugal) - One goal equals a pretty big bust on this stage. And it's unlikely ... hey. HEY! Stop spitting!

HOMER SIMPSON (Springfield) - Slumming. You were slumming, man.

GAEL GARCIA BERNAL (Mexico) - As an actor, it's not a good thing when your six seconds in a shoe company spot have a bigger cumulative audience than your last 10 movies. I'm giving you a pass because you were amazing in Amores Perros, but that was ten years ago. So sharpen up.

C.K.

Guesses: Day 19

Paraguay vs. Japan, 10 a.m. ET

A pair of teams both looking to make the quarter-finals for the first time in their respective histories, Paraguay and Japan both lay legitimate claim to the title ‘surprise of the tournament’. The Japanese were supposed to be all defence – and they’ve won with offence. Paraguay – exact opposite scenario. Set pieces are the likely difference, with Keisuke Honda looking like the man who’s mastered the Jabulani ball better than anyone else here.

Prediction: Japan 2, Paraguay 1

Spain vs. Portugal, 2:30 p.m. ET

It’s hard to reconcile the two Portugals at these finals – the one who looked dreary against Ivory Coast, or the one who cruised against North Korea. (Let’s forget the one that declared a truce against Brazil.) They’ve been disappointed so often, and jittery Spain look primed for a fall. Unlike England-Germany, this should be a battle of giants that shows acres of skill on both sides of the park.

Prediction: Portugal 3, Spain 2

Unbelievable

Half-time in England-Germany game, with Germany leading 2-1.

They were trying to smash chairs. And this is the media centre. At the Argentina-Mexico game.

Controversy ready to simmer over here after England's Frank Lampard rips a shot off the German crossbar that carromed off, landed at least two feet inside the goal and then bounced back up into the hands of the German keeper.

If England lose on this, goalline technology - the only reasonable solution to this problem - is guaranteed. It's probably guaranteed in any case. FIFA cannot defend this.

Replays showed that the Uruguayan linesman was standing flush at the 18-yard line when the shot happened. 

The only other guarantee, if Germany win, is that his life is ruined. Poor sod.

C.K.

Predictions: Day 17

 

Germany vs. England, 10 a.m. ET

For once, everyone wants to mention the war. The one in ’66. All sorts of hackneyed history being dredged up over this one, but it’s difficult to overestimate the excitement here over this one. England stumbled into the second round, after seeming to find a hint of their form in their final match against Slovenia. Germany have looked vulnerable as well. Plus, they may be without midfield engine Bastian Schweinsteiger, who’s nursing an injury. You just know this one is coming down to penalties.

Prediction: England 2, Germany 2 (England win on penalties)

Argentina vs. Mexico, 2:30 p.m. ET

History, recent and ancient, are both on Argentina’s side today. The blue-and-whites have only lost 2 of 20 encounters with Mexico. Their last victory came at this same point four years ago. Mexico have looked uneven here – imperious in victory over France, overmatched by Uruguay. Meanwhile, Argentina have swept aside all they’ve met. The up-to-this-point player of the tournament, Lionel Messi, looks poised for a goal-scoring breakthrough. If that happens, Mexico are sunk.

Prediction: Argentina 3, Mexico 1

- C.K.; pic by C.Y.

Predictions for June 26

Uruguay vs. Korea, 10 a.m. ET

Today’s games feature the end of the draw that’s wide open. Having bumped aside England and France, one of Uruguay, Korea, the U.S. and Ghana is going to make the semi-finals here. Uruguay may be the tournament’s most surprising side, having yet to concede a goal. Despite their drubbing by Argentina, the Koreans have shown their scrappiness. Expect the Asians to come forward hard, while the Uruguayans trust to counterattack. An early goal could make this a classic.
Prediction: Uruguay 3, Korea 2

USA vs. Ghana, 2:30 p.m. ET

Africa’s only representative in the knockout rounds has a terrible burden of expectation on them. Despite missing Michael Essien, the Ghanaians have been taking it to opponents. And they’ve been getting better. Like Korea, the U.S. have took a tough group despite a pair of terrible officiating calls, either one of which would have given them victory. Ghana have more skill across the park, but the U.S. appear to have fate on their side.
Prediction: USA 1, Ghana 1 (USA wins on penalty kicks)

The non-V.I.P. treatment

Dear Boss,

So I was telling you about our bus adventures yesterday. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves. Until this morning.

Morris (Sun), George (CanWest) and I set off to the Jo'burg hotel where the media shuttle picks you up and ferries you to the stadium. We were headed to downtown Ellis Park and the Italy-Slovakia game. Right - fun. High spirits. All that. We get on the bus around 11. It sets off.

We're trading war stories. Until we hit the big traffic jam. All the traffic at the other side of the road is at a standstill. A police helicopter is landing on the highway. Directly, in front of it - a body wrapped in a tarp. Grim. No more war stories.

We're about a half hour into our journey when it occurs to me that the bus seems awfully crowded with Asian and Scandanavian types.

"This is going to Ellis Park, isn't it?" I ask George. Like he would know.

No, it's headed toward Soccer City in Soweto, ahead of the Denmark-Japan game. We're on the wrong bus.

No stopping it now. So we strap in for the ride. At the park, we ask the drive if he might, please, take us back to Ellis Park. No go. It is about this point that Morris has a psychotic break. Morris has been asked to do a daily video for his chain. The video thing is time consuming. Morris is on a deadline. That deadline is now a fond memory.

Morris begins zipping around the car park, bellowing "Elllllllis Park!" at the top of his lungs. No more joy this time. Morris is leaning in car windows. He looks dangerously like he might climb in and take over.

Eventually, someone agrees to bring us back to hotel where our adventure started. We've now wasted about an hour and a half.

On the bus, we realize that we're on a different route than the one we're used to. Where are we going?

"I'm in soccer hell," Morris moans.

Eventually, we do wind our way back to the hotel. We start piling on the second bus. It occurs to us to ask this time. It's going to the airport. We pile back off the bus. Morris is now darting around like a carnival barker. He says something so funny - and so unprintable - that George and I nearly wet our pants.

Eventually, Morris corrals a citizen who is willing to take us to Ellis Park for 150 Rand ($20). We get into what I charitably call his 'automobile'. The windshield appears to have been hit by a meteor. All the windows are rolled up, but there is a strong breeze hitting us in the back seat. The air conditioning is off. I believe a gusting wind is leaking in through the dashboard. I'm not sure how that is possible.

We are driven through the teeming streets of downtown Jo'burg, which are a bit grim - like the rougher parts of Philadelphia, we've agreed. Morris is now nearing entry into the sixth-dimension of reality. The driver is growing concerned.

We pass a lovely house in the middle of the diliapidated skyscrapers. There's a sign out front: "Blasting to take place on _____". The blank part is probably important to local residents. 

"Why are they blowing that house up," Morris wonders.

The driver shrugs.

"Probably to plant grass. And then burn it," says Morris. George and I nearly wet our pants again. Morris has lost it. The driver speeds up.

We hit the first roadblock. Morris' hair is now standing on end. He looks like the middle-aged Italian Bride of Frankenstein. He starts shrieking about being in "a terrible hurry." The terrified security staff let us through.

We get to another roadblock. This time it's a cop. Where's the V.I.P-lady when we need her? Morris turns on the charm. He really is a charming fellow. Morris has his hand on the driver's shoulder, trying to push him, us, himself and the car through the roadblock while he continues negotiating with the cop. Eventually, he promises that it will be "our little secret" if he lets us crash through the stadium's security cordon. The cop relents.

We get to immovable concrete blast barriers and then de-car. We walk down the wrong road and are refused entry to the fan entrance. Morris is letting out a long, dangerous, low moan. We finally reach the gates - three hours after we started.

As we enter the media courtyard, an Italian film crew is in the midst of a bit. One of the guys is wearing a blond wig and pretending to be, as best I can tell it, a crazed woman who has crashed the news broadcast.

Suddenly, things don't seem so irritating. 

C.K.