A day in the dating life of Edward Snowden
We all know the mystery-shrouded secret leaker is hiding out “somewhere in Russia.” He’s talked to the Germans, he’s visited with his dad. But the gossip sites are screaming for more. Here we share with you a few soundbites, courtesy of the FSB.
SNOWDEN: Anna? Is that you?
CHAPMAN*: Who wants to know?
SNOWDEN: Me, er, you know. The guy who was in the airport…
CHAPMAN: Oh… the one with the private jet and the pit bull? You know I’m crazy about plump, bald, older guys.
SNOWDEN: No, try again. The guy who was in the transit lounge. For way too long.
CHAPMAN: Oh THAT guy! Hey, thought you’d never call.
SNOWDEN: Yeah, it’s been rough. But now I’m here, and ready to go. I heard you wanted to marry me, but maybe we could start kind of slow…
CHAPMAN: (laughs) Did I say that? We all make mistakes.
SNOWDEN: Listen it’s ok about the marriage thing. I’m totally cool with it. I figure we just have to get acquainted, so I can get used to your Russian ways and language. I’m learning. I’m reading Crime and Punishment.
CHAPMAN: Why would I want to date a guy who's learned everything he knows from a book that was written in 1866?
SNOWDEN: I'm a fast reader. I'll be up to the 20th century in a couple of months...
CHAPMAN: So let’s move on. What’s your plan?
SNOWDEN: Well, maybe we could just get together.
SNOWDEN: I don’t get around much, living in an undisclosed location and all. Every time I step outside somebody takes a picture and puts it online. How about you come over here?
CHAPMAN: Look, is this some kind of booty call?
SNOWDEN: No! No! I totally respect you and just want to get to know the real you.
CHAPMAN: Does the Official Secrets Act mean nothing to you?
SNOWDEN: Well maybe I could get to know some of you. My handler could take me to your place.
CHAPMAN: Absolutely not. Nyet. My minders would never allow it.
SNOWDEN: So could we meet somewhere else?
CHAPMAN: Ok, the Lenin Library. Nobody would expect to see me there.
SNOWDEN: Cool! Where’ll you be?
CHAPMAN: You figure it out. I’ll be in disguise.
SNOWDEN: So we can hang out for a while?
CHAPMAN: No, but you can pass me a note. Then I’ll work out a location and drop the reply. Or better still, your handler can pass the note to my minder.
SNOWDEN: I thought this was a first date…?
CHAPMAN: It is in Moscow.
*Anna Chapman (nee Kushchenko) was arrested in the U.S. with nine alleged Russian spies and returned in a swap in 2010. Since then she's become a high-profile Moscow celebrity TV host, model, and cheerleader for President Vladimir Putin's United Russia party.
Olivia Ward covered the former Soviet Union as bureau chief and correspondent from 1992 to 2002. She has never dated a spy. So far as she knows.